No Ice Cream for You, Buddy!
Recently, a Christian father told me about the time his youngest son (eight years old) was disrespectful to him and his wife and refused to apologize. The child shut himself in his room and stayed angry with his parents all day.
The next day, the father came up with a plan to make his son apologize. He would take his two sons to the ice-cream shop and use the “ice-cream tactic” to persuade the younger one. The ice-cream tactic is when you take your child to the ice-cream shop and tell him that if he does what you say, you will buy him ice cream; otherwise, there is no ice cream for him!
I asked the father whether that had worked, and he informed me that things had not turned out as expected. His son was determined not to apologize; the father did not buy him ice cream; and the situation remained the same until the next day, when the son finally apologized. The father was relieved that the problem had come to an end.
I asked, “Do you think the problem was solved?” He replied, “Well, I believe so; my son asked for forgiveness at the end, right?” I pointed out, “Correct, but the real problem was not solved.” Then the conversation began again.
The Importance of Obedience
Throughout that process, the child was not taught the importance of obedience. As the father had learned, the ice-cream tactic only “works” when the child wants ice cream more than he wants to persist in disobedience. This tactic (like other similar tactics) is inadequate because it welcomes disobedience; that is, it offers a benefit for obedience (the ice cream) but lacks a punishment for disobedience.
Imagine that our society offered benefits for obedience but did not punish crimes. If the government offered a tax reduction to moral citizens and tried to dissuade criminals by saying they would not receive such a reduction (the “ice cream”) if they continued their crimes (but neither would they be punished), few criminals (or none) would choose the compensation instead of persisting in theft, rape, fraud, etc. The truth is that when punishment is not diligently administered, evil abounds (Ecclesiastes 8:11).
Christian parents should teach their children that, essentially, obedience is not an option; it is a commandment (Ephesians 6:1-3)! Someone has said that when parents do not teach their children obedience, they teach them to sin. Although it is true that God does not impute sin to children (Matthew 18:3), early disobedience is the seed that will sprout into future sin.1
“But is it not right to give our children options so they can learn to make good decisions?” Absolutely! However, Christian parents should neither tolerate disobedience nor devalue obedience. When it comes to your children’s education, would you allow them to choose whether to go to school? When it comes to your children’s nutrition, would you allow them to choose chocolates and candies as their daily diet? Then, when it comes to their spiritual and moral education, why would Christian parents allow their children, who are still learning to discern right from wrong (Deuteronomy 1:39), to choose disobedience as an acceptable option?
The Urgency of Obedience
Additionally, the child was not taught the urgency of obedience. Yes, the child apologized to his parents, but he did so on his own terms and in his own time. He apologized when he grew tired of being angry, not when he needed to apologize. Did he apologize because he had reflected on his bad attitude, or because he had concluded that his parents had received enough punishment and disdain? Regardless of the reason, one lesson the child learned indirectly was that obedience is not urgent.
Are we to raise children who, as adults, do good only when they grow tired of doing wrong? Should our children become Christians who, when confronted about their sins, accuse their brethren in Christ of hypocrisy, stop attending church services, and close their hearts to God—until, finally, when resentment, anger, and pride no longer satisfy them, they decide to come back? Should we promote the habit of making authority (paternal, maternal, spiritual, civil, heavenly) wait until our children feel like obeying?
From an early age, children need to learn that obedience is important and urgent. When one of our daughters does not want to do a household chore or responds with a bad attitude, she knows she will be given healthy options that promote conscious, diligent decisions rather than disobedience or delay. She will be prompted to choose between (1) obeying and doing it with the right attitude, quickly, and avoiding punishment; or (2) being punished and obeying. Simply put, once an adequate commandment has been given, there is no room for disobedience. Our daughters know that the wise decision is to obey the commandment diligently, avoiding disobedience that will only generate punishment without absolving them of responsibility. In other words, the choice is not between “to obey or to disobey without receiving a benefit,” nor between “to obey or to disobey being punished,” but between “to obey or being punished and obey.” Since they will have to obey in the end, they generally choose to do so from the beginning.
When they are older, my daughters will have greater discernment and more opportunities to make their own decisions; those opportunities will demand that they personally choose between good and evil. But as they grow, and as their mother and I have the direct responsibility to train them in their way (Proverbs 22:6), disobedience and delay will not be acceptable options.
1 See also Michael and Debi Pearl, To Train Up a Child (Pleasantville, TN: No Greater Joy, 1994), 18-20.
Published in Christian Family 1.1 (2016): 4-5. Updated in July 2026.
